We're Still Here

My computer has officially recovered from a hard drive transplant and is now faster than ever before. Thank you to Brian who is officially geeky enough to come in really handy when there is a computer emergency.

The family is doing great. Amanda has grown 3/4 of an inch since our last post (I know, hard to believe), Josh has two permanent teeth already, and Zachary is just getting his final baby teeth. Brandon has braces now. Katelyn still has hers, so we have two tweeners (isn't that what it is when you are between child and teenager?) The little ones all have pink eye and ear infections. The big ones just have cabin fever. I have it, too, I confess. We've enjoyed having the weather warmer for more outside play. It will be nice when we don't have to wash our hands 45 times in an hour from all the noses and eyes I am wiping.

It's official. I am a great aunt. I sound so old, don't I? Tyler and Brandi (Paul's family) just had my parent's first great grandchild. She is a sweet little girl. They named her Chloe. We can't wait to meet her.

I can't think of any more news tonight. It's already past my bedtime. More later.

Be the change you wish to see...(borrowed from Gandhi and Alysha's blog)

Sometimes I am awed by the responsibility I carry. How did I get here? Five lives are in my care. Five future parents, spouses, citizens, statesmen--they are all in training now. They look to me for leadership and direction, many times without a husband visibly at my side. The amazing thing is that they very closely follow me--for the good and sometimes not so good. I wish they would only follow after the good traits. I still can't get Katelyn to stop chewing her nails. (Hmm, I wonder why..) Amanda is still cuddling her baby dolls and Josh is reminding us to clean up our toys or else we'll find some other kids who can take care of them. When they are rude to each other I wonder if they learned it from me when I was frustrated. I think they love music because I love music and they've heard me plunking out some tunes on the piano. Luckily they've also heard their dad. So much of what they do is because they first saw me doing it. Even Zach is learning how to sweep the floor with our little people broom. He's 14 months old! I recently found this quote which is now hanging on my bulletin board:

"We are often overbearing and rude; and then we expect them to be submissive and well behaved, knowing all the time how strong is their instinct of imitation and how touching their faith in and admiration of us. They will imitate us in any case. Let us treat them, therefore, with all the kindness, which we would wish to develop in them. Kindness consists in interpreting the wishes of others, in conforming one's self to them, and sacrificing, if need be, one's own desire."
---Maria Montessori

I am trying to practice the "art of responding" rather than dictating what I think they should do. It involves coaching, mentoring, and gentle guiding with an abundance of praise. I take my lead from them. It has made our lives so much better. However, I do have a vision of what I see for them, so I try to also be the change I wish to see in them. I really started noticing this "lead, not push" or "inspire, not require" phenomenon this year by accident. For example, I decided at the New Year that I would dust off the old treadmill and aerobics' step. Immediately I had an aerobics class, including baby Zach who loves to stand on the step and dance. On the treadmill they run a mile a day, or at least they did until I missed some sleep and got behind in my exercise plan. Now they are sedentary again, like me. It doesn't just apply to exercise. It goes for academics as well. I began writing in my journal more often and started this blog. I told the kids it was so that I could be "published." They immediately had an interest in writing in their journals and learning how to write, spell, edit and type. Now, I am pleased to announce that Brandon has begun his own blog titled The High Notes (if you have heard him sing and play his violin, it's obvious why). If anyone is interested in the address, he'll be glad to pass it on to you. He is so excited to be published now as well.

Considering that my children so closely and immediately follow what I do, I decided to propose a plan today that seemed to be good for us all. It was accepted unanimously. I announce it publicly now so that you can ask us about it and hold us to it. We are going to train for a mini-triathlon (for families) to be held in June. Brandon, Katelyn, Brian, and I are already pretty fair swimmers (thanks to the last year of weekly swimming lessons for Brandon and Katelyn), so we decided to train in the other areas as well. It is to be a family goal, one that hopefully promotes teamwork, goal setting, and healthy lifestyles. Josh is thrilled to ride his bike along side us running, and Amanda and Zach will sit in the stroller.

I just look at my kids and want them to be more than I am, so I have to be more myself. It's good for us all.

A Little Bit of Heaven

Is this heaven? Now I understand why Paul loved Targhee. It was beautiful.

Paul's funeral was, as I suspected, more sweet than bitter. In fact I would say that there really wasn't any bitter. There was some sadness. We miss him so much. But, it was healing to cry together. Our family members and friends from all over were there for us. Isn't it amazing to see how far one person's influence can reach? Shane, Paul's best friend from childhood, was there to comfort, laugh, and cry with us. Brent and Lynn stood together and reminded us that we still have big brothers to watch over us. DeLynn and the boys were inspiring in their strength and faith. The boys are going to do a wonderful job taking care of their mother. We all will be there for each other.

On Friday, many of us got to go skiing with DeLynn and the boys. Brent and Martha (our friends who opened up their home to us) made sure we got to go. They watched the little ones and loaned us all ski gear. We couldn't believe their generosity. It seemed so healing and sweet to be a part of Paul's world for a while. It was a beautiful day and looked and felt like heaven. Paul is the one who taught me to ski. Dad was there in the beginning, but Paul and DeLynn are the ones who took me along with them. This time Brian and I taught Katelyn. It reminded me how patient Paul must have been with me. Cameron and Jacob coached Brandon and he was able to ski with them. We all had a wonderful time and hope we get to do it again soon.

The waves and winds still know...

This poem came to mind this morning as I was getting ready. Thought I would share.

Crossing the Bar

Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea.

But such a tide as moving seems asleep,
Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out the boundless deep
Turns again home.

Twilight and evening bell,
And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
When I embark;

For tho' from out our bourne of Time and Place
The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
When I have crost the bar.

---Alfred, Lord Tennyson

I spent the evening with Mom and Dad last night. We commented on all the people who have offered condolences and wish to mourn with us. We feel that the Comforter is with us and it's a little strange to me that there really isn't sadness at this farewell. We feel that Paul has met his Pilot face to face and there is sweetness in that. We have the funeral still ahead, but even that I think will be more sweet than bitter. I went to sleep last night with the words from the hymn "Be Still, My Soul" in my mind. I want to leave the words here also. (Notice the ocean voyage imagery...I love it.)

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy condfidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

As I Have Loved You...

Today our hearts are full. Our brother, Paul, passed on during the night. We have been so profoundly touched by the example that Paul and his sweet wife, DeLynn, have set for us. I have seen what true love is. I have watched the sweet and tender care that DeLynn so patiently gave and watched as Paul, while suffering, comforted her and those around him. Watching this process of dying has changed me forever. I now have more clarity. I know the life I want to live. Last night I came up with my own personal mission statement. It is simply, "No regrets." I believe Paul could say that he had no regrets. He did all that he could, he fought a good fight, he kept the faith. He died as a noble patriarch and a loving husband. The most important lesson I learned from Paul was the last day I saw him. I think it was the Spirit that taught me, through Paul.
I had put off seeing my brother die. I knew that it would be painful to watch. I also knew that I wanted to tell him I love him one more time and knew that at least I could massage his feet as a way to bring him some comfort. I used to do that as a little girl. He is eleven years older than I am. He used to come home from work and I would pull off his stinky boots and socks and massage his feet with lotion. Looking back, I can't believe I would do this. But, I knew that Paul loved me and that he was tired after a long day. So, I went to do that for him one more time.
When I first arrived I just sat next to him while he was sleeping. My heart was breaking for him. I decided to hold his hand and tell him I was there. I said, "Paul, it's Cathy." Recognition came over his face, even though he didn't open his eyes. He pulled my hand to his lips and kissed it and whispered, "Thank you." I knew he knew me.
I spent a few hours with him that afternoon. Thankfully friends in Utah and Idaho agreed to watch my children during this precious time. I did get to massage his feet. I was so happy to do it. But, something happened during this time that seemed so special to me. Hayden and Mom had been at his side and then Hayden went into the kitchen. Paul said to Mom, "See if he'll sing for me." Mom thought he meant Hayden and went to look for him. While they were gone, Paul said, "No, down there." And he pointed to me. I asked him if he wanted me to sing for him and he said, "Yes." I asked him what he would like to hear. He said "Primary Songs." I knew I would have difficulty, as I was already trying not to sob. Brian came in the room to help me sing. The song that came to mind was "Love One Another." Brian sang a solo at first because I was overcome with emotion. It hit me with such force as I heard the words, "As I have loved you, love one another..." Paul showed me that. He showed it to me again and again in his life. He loved his wife, he loved his sons, he loved his ward, he loved me, he loved my family, he loved our parents and siblings, he loved the Savior. Suddenly it felt to me as though I was sitting at the feet of the Savior and I felt His love for me. I was able to finish the song and a few more. I don't know if it brought any comfort to Paul, but I suspect it was another kindness that he gave to me. I felt the Savior's love and knew that Paul would be fine. I felt that I should try to live as Paul did. I knew that Paul was almost finished and that his death would mean a great triumph. He did it! He did what he came to do! I am so proud of him. He showed me what it means to live a Christlike life. He showed me, and I also felt Christlike love from him. I could see the Savior in his countenance.
Well done, Paul. Thank you.

What we've learned from our Idaho cousins...

Cameron: "Hey Katelyn, do you know where dust comes from?

Katelyn: "No, where?"

Cameron: "It's from our dead skin cells."

Katelyn: "Oooooh, gross!"

Cameron: "Not 'gross', coooool!"

Such have been many of the conversations at our house the past few days. The kids have enjoyed each other so much and were so sorry to see their cousins go home. Here are some additional highlights...

Cameron: (Sitting next to Katelyn while they work on an art project.) "I like to make friends with girls because I have more in common with them."

Cathy: "Oh, what kinds of things do you have in common with girls?"

Cameron: "Oh, things like robotics and quantum mechanics."

Cathy: "Oh, I see. Katelyn, do you know what those things are?"

Katelyn: (Big smile). "Nope."

On a more serious note...

After spending the evening watching Brandon throw up, we finally clued in that he had broken tubing, no insulin, ketones, and sky high blood sugars. He had given insulin like usual, but nothing was going through. We were sitting down redoing Brandon's pump site. Jacob was curious and watched us.

Cathy: "Aren't you glad you don't have diabetes and can eat anything you want, Jacob?"

Jacob: " Yes, but I still have problems."

Cathy: "You do? What are they?"

Jacob: "My best friend moved away and some of the kids at school don't like me." (The fact that his dad was sick was already a given.)

Brandon: (Putting his arm around him) "It sounds like you have a hard life too."

On the way home from Idaho Zachary cried pretty hard for a while (considering it took us 5 hours to get home, I think he did pretty well). Brandon and Cameron sat next to him and tried their hardest to keep him happy while Brian drove us through the wind and snow. Finally, Zach settled down and fell asleep.

Brandon: (whispering) "I think Heavenly Father has answered my prayers. Zach is feeling better now and I know now that Heavenly Father is there."

Cameron: (also whispering) "Brandon, you can know that Heavenly Father is there even if he doesn't answer your prayers the way you want him to."

I totally agree with Cameron. We know Heavenly Father is there because of all the tender mercies he gives to us. Like this time he has given us to say goodbye to Paul, and the choice memories we will have of him and his family. If only we could all have the pure faith and courage that these little ones have.

Merry Christmas!!

We have had a wonderful month. We have done so much and had such a great time doing it, that now I am down with a terrible cold. It's forcing me to sit down and rest and have time to finally update my blog. We have "The Sound of Music" on in the background (my favorite movie) and it really feels like heaven. After a quick visit to Idaho yesterday to see Paul, we brought his two youngest, Cameron and Jacob, home with us again. We have a great time when they are here and the kids are all busy playing with the Santa Claus train around the tree, the new games we got for Christmas, and their toys. Seven kids, but it all works.

Looking back over the past year, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for all we have accomplished, all we have learned, and all we have been able to do. If anyone is looking for a good book to start off the new year, please take a look at our top ten. Some of them are books that I read, some Brian and I read together, and the rest are books we read with the kids. We just finished Heidi. It set the tone for the last month and has changed our lives forever. I guess that is the power of a classic. We have spent our month thinking of ways to serve others as Heidi did. It has brought so much joy to our family.

We had a great time sending gifts to Paul and his family for the "Five Days of Chemo" and then the "Twelve Days of Christmas". All the Carlings helped. Then, Brian and the kids all took over the family work while I spent hours each day working on the quilt. After visiting Paul at the beginning of the month, I felt so helpless but yet determined to do something for him. I put all of my love and care into the quilt and felt so much joy in including Mom in the project and presenting it to him yesterday. He is much weakened by the cancer and was in the hospital for pain management and hydration. His latest scan showed what we all feared. The cancer has spread everywhere and he will likely come home soon with hospice. Our visit yesterday was our chance, as a family, to express our love to our brother and just be with him. It was so bittersweet. We felt joy at being with him and gratitude for him in our lives, and yet could not hold back the tears at knowing that he would be leaving us soon. We all promised to watch over and assist DeLynn and the boys in whatever ways we can. How grateful we are for the knowledge that he will always be our brother and that families can be together forever. The Spirit was so strong and we felt that Paul was being called home to do a great work there. We are so proud of him and the life he has led. We will all try to follow his example of bravery and faith.

Now we move on to another year and another set of challenges and opportunities. I think I need another day to rest! For now, I'm just going to enjoy my vacation time at home with the family, Brian at home with me, and a little "these are a few of my favorite things" sung by Julie Andrews.