As I Have Loved You...

Today our hearts are full. Our brother, Paul, passed on during the night. We have been so profoundly touched by the example that Paul and his sweet wife, DeLynn, have set for us. I have seen what true love is. I have watched the sweet and tender care that DeLynn so patiently gave and watched as Paul, while suffering, comforted her and those around him. Watching this process of dying has changed me forever. I now have more clarity. I know the life I want to live. Last night I came up with my own personal mission statement. It is simply, "No regrets." I believe Paul could say that he had no regrets. He did all that he could, he fought a good fight, he kept the faith. He died as a noble patriarch and a loving husband. The most important lesson I learned from Paul was the last day I saw him. I think it was the Spirit that taught me, through Paul.
I had put off seeing my brother die. I knew that it would be painful to watch. I also knew that I wanted to tell him I love him one more time and knew that at least I could massage his feet as a way to bring him some comfort. I used to do that as a little girl. He is eleven years older than I am. He used to come home from work and I would pull off his stinky boots and socks and massage his feet with lotion. Looking back, I can't believe I would do this. But, I knew that Paul loved me and that he was tired after a long day. So, I went to do that for him one more time.
When I first arrived I just sat next to him while he was sleeping. My heart was breaking for him. I decided to hold his hand and tell him I was there. I said, "Paul, it's Cathy." Recognition came over his face, even though he didn't open his eyes. He pulled my hand to his lips and kissed it and whispered, "Thank you." I knew he knew me.
I spent a few hours with him that afternoon. Thankfully friends in Utah and Idaho agreed to watch my children during this precious time. I did get to massage his feet. I was so happy to do it. But, something happened during this time that seemed so special to me. Hayden and Mom had been at his side and then Hayden went into the kitchen. Paul said to Mom, "See if he'll sing for me." Mom thought he meant Hayden and went to look for him. While they were gone, Paul said, "No, down there." And he pointed to me. I asked him if he wanted me to sing for him and he said, "Yes." I asked him what he would like to hear. He said "Primary Songs." I knew I would have difficulty, as I was already trying not to sob. Brian came in the room to help me sing. The song that came to mind was "Love One Another." Brian sang a solo at first because I was overcome with emotion. It hit me with such force as I heard the words, "As I have loved you, love one another..." Paul showed me that. He showed it to me again and again in his life. He loved his wife, he loved his sons, he loved his ward, he loved me, he loved my family, he loved our parents and siblings, he loved the Savior. Suddenly it felt to me as though I was sitting at the feet of the Savior and I felt His love for me. I was able to finish the song and a few more. I don't know if it brought any comfort to Paul, but I suspect it was another kindness that he gave to me. I felt the Savior's love and knew that Paul would be fine. I felt that I should try to live as Paul did. I knew that Paul was almost finished and that his death would mean a great triumph. He did it! He did what he came to do! I am so proud of him. He showed me what it means to live a Christlike life. He showed me, and I also felt Christlike love from him. I could see the Savior in his countenance.
Well done, Paul. Thank you.